The gum-tree journal of Useless

Koalas can sleep for up to 20 hours a day. I can sleep for 20 minutes in a pencil case, if nobody rattles it. checked

A koala eats about 500 grams of leaves a day. I eat rubber crumbs. We are both very particular. checked

They have two opposable thumbs on each fore paw. I have no thumbs at all. Climbing is not going well. checked

The closest living relatives of koalas are wombats. Mine is a very patient pencil. checked

A joey stays in a backward-facing pouch for about six months. I stay in a pencil case. Similar idea, less gum leaves. checked

Most of their water comes from leaves, but they will climb down for a drink when it is very hot or dry. I also need a sip, eventually. checked

They are marsupials, not bears, even though the scientific name has a Greek ‘bear’ in it. I am a rubber, not a robot. Names are tricky. checked

A male koala has a musky scent gland on his chest. I smell faintly of pencil shavings. checked

Gestation is only 35 days, then a very small joey finishes growing in the pouch. I was finished in a mould, which is less impressive. checked

Koalas in Queensland are smaller and lighter-furred than those in Victoria. I am the same size everywhere, which is one of my few talents. checked